he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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