I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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