Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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