Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
