Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
