There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
