someone get that fucking seahorse.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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