I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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