After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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