Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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