Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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