roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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