Got a toothbrush?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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