remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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