Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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