I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
