if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
