my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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