I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
