Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
