I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
