I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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