Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
