I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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