Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
