i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
