Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
