just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
