i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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