grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
