I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
