the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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