my mouth tastes like poor choices
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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