thus making me awesome and them whores
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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