She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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