my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
