you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
