this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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