His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
