Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
