And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
