Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
