i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
