i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
