this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
