You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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