somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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