So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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