Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
