We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
