What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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