Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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