fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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