apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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